Who I am in essence, is the same essence in everything and everyone.
It is the essence of all that is.
It is the field from which we are created and the thought from which we continue to create.
It is the Source of all from which we never separate; it's just we who perceive our separated from Her.
This is the ultimate truth about me, and from this perspective I've walked in many stories of separation before my awakening started to unfold. And it's exactly thanks to these experiences that I found the willingness to seek the truth.
We choose to experience the illusion of pain and believe it is completely true, so we end up experiencing different forms of separation very deeply, until we are ready to start the unraveling process of our real identity. To me, this is what spiritual awakening is all about, being ready and willing to step into the unknown, awakening from the dream, reconnecting to our core nature, and consciously living the life of our True Self.
I was born in Rome, the very heart of the Roman Catholic world. Raised in a dysfunctional family (like most unawake families), where I first encountered some common yet painful patterns played out in familial relationships.
The emotional dependency, which I observed between my parents also took place between all of us, though, at different levels. There was a huge desire for love and for self-love in my family and a huge lack of knowing how to get there, along with a lack of discernment of how much trapped we all were, at least, for a long while.
I was afraid of my father, his anger and guilt that could become violent. His emotional unavailability was due to his own unavailability for himself. The "contract'" we decided to play out in this life was one of rejection and not one of understanding each other. He ran from an unprocessed past, a core sense of guilt, inadequancy and unworthiness that would never provide the peace that would allow him to really know me and love me as I wished to.
In so many ways, I would say that the lack of truth has been a leitmotif throughout my family's life.
And it is also what pushed me to seek Truth, with a capital T. That Truth was what was missing in the awareness of the people I loved and in me for so long.
From my point of view, awareness is the only space where real love can blossom, hurt can be washed and transformed, and the past can be changed into wisdom. This is why the very purpose of my life is about closing that gap between illusion and Essence, the formless and the form, fear and love.
As child I was an empath, kind of merging with the energetic field of others, intuitively picking up what was behind the apparent behaviors. I was somehow aware of the existence of a constant distance between external behaviors and the actual real inner state of the people around me. I felt lost in the coexistence and contradiction between what was spoken and what was actually ”real” in the moment. It was almost like I lived a double life.
My mother was very disconnected and self-rejecting of her own vulnerabilities, emotions and fears and presented an image pretty far from her inside world that prohibited her to speak out or contradict in any way.
I learned pretty soon that the truth I was feeling was uncomfortable and unsafe, not allowed to be said, and this created a progressive feeling of forced disconnection from my own truth in order to support the need of another being.
As a result of being terrified of the fights between my parents and of my father’s violence upon my mother, I took on the role of moderator. I learned very soon to quickly repress emotions and substitute them with the ones that were able to contain the anger of my father and the emotional neediness of my mother and pretty much became a mother to myself.
There have been many long-held secrets in my family.
At 12, I learned from my parents that I had an older brother from my father’s first marriage.
As children my sister and I were sexually abused by the husband of our elementary school teacher, and she was a very close friend of my mother’s. And as a defense mechanism, I removed the memory of this prolonged abuse that lasted from 4 until l was 13 years old and only started to have flashbacks of what happened at 27 when I was able to deal with the matter emotionally.
This experience today is clearly one of the biggest teachers in my life. I recognize how much pain can be experienced while we perceive ourselves unworthy and how liberating it is coming back home to our lovability when we can turn the child’s perspective into the Truth behind and beyond the event and the story we tell ourselves about it.
Patterns of self-hatred and rejection of intimacy from this experience pushed me in time to shift that into shame and self-abandonment that is so common for many women in the expression of their sexuality.
This also made me deeply aware that I wanted to experience in this lifetime a conscious, deep, loving relationship with another being physically, emotionally and spiritually.
When I was a kid I loved silence, animals and playing with magic mirrors that transformed me into someone else.
I grew up quickly through premature sexuality with guys older than me, heavy make-up, smoking, and drinking in my teens. Brilliant at my studies between 15 and 25, I wasn’t able to connect to my emotions any longer but I acted them out in exaggerated ways.
Unable to set up healthy boundaries with myself and others, I made myself sexually available in order to make connections and find a sense of self-worth. This was played out through destructive relationships, patterns of rejection, humiliation, deception and self-betrayal alternated with relationships that were heart-based friendships and romance based on true sharing and mutual understanding.
The unresolved wounds in childhood created in me a deep depression that manifested as bulimia anorexia and drug addiction during my 20s.
In the darkest moment of my life, I had what could be defined by people from the spiritual community as satori. I remember very clearly a day in which I was walking fast isolated from the others, not working, no longer functioning, and in a high state of dependency on cocaine. Suddenly, I was pervaded by a sense of incredible peace and looking at myself in a mirror, I saw a kind of double of myself. Many people describe these kind of immediate openings and recognition of the truth behind the visible as sudden enlightenment.
I saw a dark presence on me and the light one, the happy me that I never met before. For a day, I shifted into that vibration. Enlightened by a feeling of deep peace and joy that I never experienced before, like all the pain had dissipated. I felt at one with all the people around me and a sense of familiarity with no reason and no distinction, natural love for all. That day, I threw away the drugs that I had on me, and I decided to begin recovering from my addictions.
The satori “ceased” one day later, leaving a wonderful memory for me: the taste of the possibility of another way to live life, without pain, in love.
One day later, I chose to go into rehab and this was when I slowly but unstoppably started my second life and my path to spiritual awakening. I started to see the truth of the patterns that played out in my family and in me. And I had a glimpse of the other Truth and felt the invisible link between all that exists.
It all started when I read The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. It was more of an experience than a reading, an opening to a new way of looking at life. This book opened the experience of knowing that all that exists is related to each other, energetically speaking, and that we are vibrating, creating and attracting with our focus all the time. The way we perceive something changes the thing itself.
During these years I got the chance to meet some really special beings; one of them brought me a piece of the puzzle and I grew to understand the invisible reality in which everything is connected and purposeful.
He was a romantic partner and it’s through him that came the spontaneous memory of one of my “past lives.” And although I use this term, I believe in the unlimited potentials of expressions of a soul; not really in “past” and “future,” but all existing in the timeless dimension of our being. This experience was not searched out in any way; it just happened to make me aware of a pattern to transform stepping into the unknown into an experience of joy that my soul had chosen to embody in this lifetime.
The life that had been shown to me in that memory was a life of sacrifice where I was a nun and would inflict pain on my body, fighting the immorality with ecstatic experiences of divine connection, and a deep rejection of physical pleasure.
At that moment, I touched the truth of life again as a gift that I cannot describe but it doesn't look like anything else. It was like crashing the veil or passing through the mirror and feeling so loved, cherished and guided.
I was inspired through that experience to see how I was playing out that pattern again and the possibility of making radically different choices: to learn what love really means, as Oneness; to honor the physical; to let go of judgment, the shame, the sense of right and wrong, and reconcile spirit and matter; to explore pleasure; to recognize the validity of variety; overcome duality; to change through love instead of condemnation; to be for something, instead of against; to say yes to life; to find that all is love here; to remember that we have power and do not need force; to learn the creative powers of the focus, the inherent abundance of life available with ease; and the possibility of experiencing both spiritual awareness and enjoyment of the material plane.
Since then, spiritual awakening has become my purpose, the strongest desire, the passion, the aim, the strength, and the guideline. I followed and experienced different spiritual teachings to connect to my Soul, to repattern my mind, to tap into that higher awareness and to express it in form. I’ve never stopped studying, experimenting and integrating. This is a lifelong process.
The spiritual path doesn’t require abnegation; there’s no need to live in a monastery or to isolate yourself from everyday life. What is required is for you to dive deep into the experience with a constant desire to learn from it, a curiosity, and the courage of walking the unknown.
For some this becomes a life purpose with literally no pause. And this clearly was my case.
I have met all my past wounds and core beliefs in a very close and intense relationship that has gifted me with all I wasn't able to see within me before. I felt all the pain that I wasn't able to handle in my childhood and the negative beliefs that resulted from it inside of me. In the moment in which I was ready to see, I accepted my responsibility for the patterns that I was still creating and my power to shift them.
I understood that I was the one that needed to integrate the shadow and free myself from misperception and pain and one step at a time alchemically transform pain into wholeness. And although I will continue to go through challenges and ups and downs, I am now able to take the next step on my way home, understanding that this starts by recognizing that I am already at home.
By looking at my life experiences from a soul perspective and understanding the link between inside and outside conditions, I am able to help others to meet challenges as opportunities to shift to a higher possibility.
The intensity of my experience of separation is the willingness to overcome it and help others on a similar journey. I feel an indescribable joy every time that I can inspire hope and remind people that freedom and love are at hand. For those who, like me, have come through a depth of fear, pain, and loneliness, it is a miracle when people decide to discover who they really are. Unconditional self-love, joy and purpose blossoms as a relief from a lifetime of powerlessness, confusion, and self-hatred once we start to reconnect to our true Self. All we need is to open up to the possibility of not being who we think we are and embrace the present moment as an empty canvas.